The Efficiency Expert
by Nefor
Summary: One shot. An old acquaintance returns to the 4077th. Rated T for mild violence and alcohol use.


One shot. An old acquaintance returns to the 4077th.

Rated T for mild violence and alcohol use.

I own no characters.

The Efficiency Expert

Colonel Sherman T. Potter reviews his latest orders from I Corps once again. "He's not even here yet and he's already giving me a headache!" the commander of the 4077th MASH unit bemoans. "Klinger!" he shouts.

"Yes, sir!" Sargent Max Klinger yells entering his commanding officer's office.

"I want Houlihan, Hawkeye, Hunnicutt and Winchester in my office in 15 minutes."

"Yes, sir!" Klinger salutes before leaving the office.

* * *

Fourteen minutes later, the senior officers of the 4077th are all in Potter's office. "I just got orders from I Corps," Potter begins. "They're sending an efficiency expert from stateside to improve our turnover time. He'll be here tomorrow."

"I must protest, Colonel!" Charles Winchester III yells. "We are operating understaffed, under-supplied and under FIRE! What could some stateside 'Efficiency Expert' tell us that we don't already know?"

"I hate to say it Sherman," Hawkeye Pierce continues, "but, I agree with Charles."

"It sounds to me like the usual poking in of noses that I Corps revels in," BJ Hunnicutt pipes in.

"Oh, It gets better," Potter answers. "The expert they're sending is someone most of you know. Some of you more intimately than others."

Realization dawns on Pierce. "Oh, no! No! No! No! No! NO!" He stands up. "I can't believe they'd take a QUACK like that and make him an expert! Even the Army isn't that stupid!"

"Sir!" Major Margaret Houlihan enters the conversation, "they can't possibly be sending..."

"I'm afraid they are," Potter cuts her off. "And, our orders are to take his recommendations under advisement. Dismissed!" With that, the doctors and nurse leave the office.

"This is a farce and a mockery!" Pierce comments on his way out. "This is a mockery of a farce and, a farce of a mockery!"

"We get it, Hawkeye!" BJ cuts him off.

* * *

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns reflects on his assignment while being driven to his old post. "I'm a colonel now," he mumbles to himself. "So, that should mean less bickering from the pair of captains. Like THEY ever cared about military discipline. I hear Margaret got divorced by Colonel What-his-name. She did always say she wanted a man who outranked her." He smiles to himself. "Well, I outrank her now! It'll be nice to see the old gang again. I bet they've missed me!"

A few minutes later, he jeep arrives at the 4077th. "Here you are sir." The Corporal tells him.

"Thank you, Corporal..." Burns trails trying to remember the enlisted man's name. "Corporal." Burns grabs his duffel. "That will be all."

The Corporal rolls his eyes and drives off. He misses Burns' foot by inches. "Watch your driving, Mister!"

"Hello, Frank!" Hawkeye glares at Burns.

Hunnicutt, right beside him continues, "Leaving so soon, I hope."

"I just arrived, _Captain,_" Burns answers. "Now, can you two tell me where my tent is?"

"Certainly. It's right on the other side of the minefield," Hawkeye answers.

"Watch your step!" Hunnicutt adds with a smile.

"Now listen Pierce! I'm here under orders."

"And, over our objections," Hunnicutt interrupts.

Burns looks to Hunnicutt. "Now, I'm only going to say this once! I'm here to help improve this hospital. If all that malarkey you used to feed me about putting patients first is at all true, then you should welcome my help. Now, can we let bygones be bygones?" Burns holds out his hand.

"No," Pierce and Hunnicut answer in unison. They then turn around and walk off.

"Well," Burns begins, "I don't need them anyway!" He then heads towards the Colonel's office.

"Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns, sir!" Burns greets with a salute.

Potter returns the salute. "At ease, Colonel. Nice to see you again, Frank," Potter lies in politeness.

"You, too, sir."

"Please," Potter begins gesturing to a chair, "have a seat."

"Thank you, sir," Burns answers while sitting down.

"Let me be candid, Burns," Potter says, "even if nobody here had ever met you, this assignment would not go well."

"I understand that, sir. Every MASH unit in Korea has complained about the lack of personnel and supplies. My job, is to see to it that the personnel and supplies you DO have get used to their full potential. If you don't mind sir, I'd like to head to my tent and get some rest. It was a long drive."

"Not at all. Have Klinger escort you to the guest tent."

Burns nods, stands up and leaves the office.

"Well," Potter muses, "if things go this well from now own, this shouldn't be too bad."

* * *

When Burns reaches the office of the camp's company clerk he sees a surprise. Sitting at the desk is Corporal, Burns sees the rank, Sargent Klinger. Even more surprising, he's wearing a uniform and not a dress! "What happened to Radar?" Burns asks.

"He's stateside now, sir," Klinger answers. "His family needed him. Now, what can I do for you, Major?" Klinger catches his mistake. "Begging your pardon, sir. I mean Colonel."

Burns is willing to let the mistake go THIS time. "You finally decided to stop trying to scam the Army with a Section 8, huh?"

"Yes, sir!" Klinger answers. "Now I look for new and improved ways of scamming the Army."

"I'll assume that was a joke, Sergeant. Now, direct me to my tent," Burns orders.

"Right away, sir!" Klinger stands up and escorts Burns to the guest tent. When they arrive, Klinger asks, "would you like me to inform Major Houlihan you're here, sir?"

"That won't be necessary, Sergeant. Carry on."

"Yes, sir!" Klinger salutes.

"Well, at least SOMEONE in this camp is acting like a proper soldier," Burns says to himself before entering his tent.

* * *

Major Margaret Houlihan sits in her tent trying to unwind after her day. She hears a knock on her door. "Come in!" she yells to the door.

To her surprise, Pierce enters her tent. "Margaret, I just thought you should know, he's here."

Houlihan sighs. "Thank you for telling me, Doctor."

"Want BJ or me with you when you talk to him?" Pierce asks.

"Thank you, Captain but, no. I can handle this on my own."

"The Swamp's open to you if you change your mind," Pierce tells her as he leaves.

* * *

The next morning, the first official meeting begins. Houlihan arrives at the very last second.

"Thank you all for coming," Burns opens his presentation. "I know several of you have mixed emotions about my presence but, I'd like to think we can put that behind us for the good of the Army."

"Pure detestation," Pierce counters, "is not a mixed emotion, Frank!"

"Pierce," Potter interrupts, "let's hear him out."

"My first order of business I know will be unpopular. You need to stop prescribing penicillin unless a bacterial infection has been confirmed by a lab."

"Colonel!" Winchester exclaims, "do you have any idea how many patients we could lose while we wait for those lab results?"

"I understand that. I really do. But, we're starting to see penicillin resistant bacteria in the states. We think it's being caused by over prescribing of penicillin for non bacterial infections."

"I can't believe this, Frank," Pierce exclaims. "I actually agree with you about something."

"Gentlemen," Potter stops the argument before it can begin, "let's not get sidetracked with petty bickering. Continue, Colonel."

Just as Burns opens his mouth to continue, the camp speakers shout out, "incoming wounded! Come one! Come all!" The medical staff immediately hurry to the OR.

While the doctors scrub up, Burns remarks, "I haven't done this in a while."

"This is no time for nostalgia, Frank," Pierce criticizes. "We have lives to save."

Twenty six and a half hours later, all the incoming wounded have been treated. Fighting back a yawn, Potter orders, "we'll continue the meeting in the morning. 1100 hours. Until then, hit the sack."

The medical officers obey the order without complaint.

* * *

The next morning, Pierce and Hunnicutt awake in the Swamp. "Where's Charles?" Pierce asks.

"Maybe he's getting some breakfast?" Hunnicutt surmises. "Or, what passes for breakfast in these parts."

"We should probably do the same," Pierce says. "We still have the meeting with ferret face."

"Lead on."

They arrive at the mess and discover that Winchester is nowhere to be found. The two of them ignore it and get their food. Just as they sit down, Burns enters the mess. "Gentlemen," Burns greets.

"Frank," Hunnicutt replies.

"Ferret face," Pierce adds.

"That's 'Colonel' to you!" Burns orders.

"I'm sorry," Pierce replies, "Colonel ferret face." Burns huffs and finds another table to join.

A few minutes later, Winchester barges into the mess. "Wheres Burns!" he demands.

"Yes, Major?" Burns asks, standing up.

"Your skills as a surgeon are only matched by your competence as an officer and your grace as a gentlemen!" The entire mess is silenced.

"Why thank..." Burns begins.

"That WASN'T a compliment!" Winchester interrupts. "I just spent three hours saving the lives of the patients you've treated so poorly it'd make a first year medical student blush in embarrassment!"

"You're bordering on insubordination, Mister!" Burns warns.

"Yes!" Winchester agrees. "That was insubordination! And, this is assault!" Winchester punches Burns in the face, knocking him down.

Several enlisted men help Burns to his feet. Pierce runs up to Winchester and holds him back. "Charles," Pierce begins, "I know how you feel. I've wanted to punch the 'man' several times myself. He's not worth it, Charles; you're a better man than he is."

Pierce's speech seems to work and Winchester calms down. "Thank you, Pierce. You're right; I am a better man. Though, in this case that is faint praise indeed."

When Burns gets to his feet he dusts himself off. "I want this man placed under arrest immediately!" Burns orders while pointing at Winchester.

Two MPs, who were eating breakfast, walk up to Winchester and place him under arrest. "Sorry, Major," one of them says.

Hunnicutt walks up to Burns and starts examining his face. "Frank, I don't see any obvious signs of injury," he declares. "But, I'd like to get that nose under an X-Ray just to be safe."

Burns nods and lets himself be escorted to the OR.

* * *

After being examined, Burns reports to Colonel Potter's office. "You wanted to see me, sir?" Burns announces his presence.

"Yes, Colonel," Potter answers. "Sit down." Burns does so. "I take it you're pressing charges."

"Absolutely, sir!"

"You'd be doing him a favor, Frank," Potter explains. "Ever since he got here, Winchester has been complaining about the conditions. You press charges and he'll be in a relatively nice jail cell."

"Hmm..." Burns thinks. "But, if I just put him on report, he'll be stuck here even longer."

"Do you want to reschedule the meeting?"

"No, sir. I've been here too long as it is. I'm expected at the 8063rd even now. I'll drop the charges and turn in the report before I leave. Am I dismissed, sir?" Burns asks.

"Dismissed, Colonel." Burns salutes before doing an about-face.

* * *

That evening, Pierce sees Winchester walking back to the Swamp. "Charles!" he calls out.

"Yes, Pierce?" Winchester answers.

"Let's head to the Officer's Club," Pierce suggests, "I'll buy you a drink."

"Thank you, Pierce, but no," Winchester declines. "I'd rather just lay back in bed, read a book and listen to some Mozart."

"I insist, Charles," Pierce persists, "one drink."

"Very well, Pierce," Winchester concedes. "But, only one."

The two of them walk to the Officer's Club. As soon as they enter, the room starts applauding. Shouts of 'way to go, Major!' echo in the room.

"What's the meaning of all this?" Winchester asks.

"In appreciation of finally giving Burns his due," Pierce begins.

"And for doing what we've ALL wanted to do for a long time," Hunnicutt adds.

"We got you something," Houlihan finishes holding up a bottle.

"Is that...?" Winchester asks with hope.

"Yes," Potter answers, "it's brandy."

"This..." Winchester momentarily finds himself at a loss for words. "This is an exquisite gift. One that I cannot, in good conscience, accept alone. Bartender!" he orders. "Glasses for our table!"

When the glasses arrive, Winchester opens the bottle of brandy and pours a glass for everyone. "I offer a toast," Winchester begins. "To Frank Burns," the table starts jeering. "Please, let me finish. To Frank Burns, may he be kept as far away from patients as humanly possible!"

The group answers with cries of 'hear, hear!'

The End


End file.
